| This is classic autopilot living. Saying no, when you really mean yes. Saying yes and regretting it. Feeling like your life is just meh, and everyone else is living a life you wish you had. That, my friend, is identity theft. Not the kind that drains your bank account — the kind that drains you. Here’s the deal: most of us don’t lose our authentic selves in one big dramatic event. We hand it over piece by piece — a little people-pleasing here, a little regret-marinating there — until one day you wake up and think, Who even am I? Good news: you can take her back! Here’s how we do it. We start by evaluating behavior because that’s where the evidence is! There are 5 that can really do a number. 1. Behaviors That Rob You Blind 🚨 Seeking External Validation When you live for the nods, likes, and gold stars of others, you trade your compass for their GPS. Psychology calls this extrinsic motivation. And that will keep you chasing approval instead of building true confidence. 💔 Codependency In codependent dynamics, you become the “lost self.” Your needs disappear under the mountain of everyone else’s problems. It feels noble, but it’s really an identity eraser. Attachment science tells us: when your self-worth is tied to fixing others, you’re never free. 🙋🏻♀️ People-Pleasing Saying yes when your gut screams no? Classic self-betrayal, and it is oh so common. Over time, it breeds resentment, burnout, and a slow erosion of your identity. Neuroscience adds that every “fake yes” reinforces neural pathways of compliance, not courage. 🛑 Lack of Boundaries If you’re living without boundaries, it’s like being in a desert with no water…the vultures will circle and take from you bit by bit. Without boundaries, you signal to toxic people that it’s a free buffet to siphon your energy. Instead of living on purpose and for purpose, you’re stuck in survival mode. Healthy limits literally rewire your brain to associate no with safety, not rejection. 📱 The Comparison Trap Social media might be a highlight reel of someone else’s life, but your brain can’t tell the difference. Constant comparison activates the brain’s threat circuitry — making you feel like you’re failing, even when you’re not. Every scroll can chip away and erode your joy and sense of self. Comparison really is a thief of joy! 2. Dwelling in the Rearview 🪞Clinging to a Past Identity Who you were at 25 doesn’t need to run the show at 55, 65 or beyond. Hanging on to outdated labels keeps you from growing into the woman you’re meant to be. Neuroplasticity research shows your brain can adapt at any age — but only if you let it. 🔁 Regret Loops Replay past mistakes long enough, and you train your brain to expect failure. Nelson Mandela nailed it: carrying old bitterness is like being imprisoned when the cell door is already open. 🌸 Nostalgia Overload It’s fine to reminisce, but glorifying the “good old days” makes the present feel beige. No one wants to peak in high school! Every decade holds magic, but you’ve got to step into it instead of clinging to what was. 3. Neglecting Your Own Needs 🧘🏻♀️ Poor Self-Care Skipping sleep, ignoring nutrition, saying “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”? That’s self-betrayal. Chronic stress depletes your prefrontal cortex (the part that makes wise decisions) and leaves you living from your stress brain instead of your best brain. 🍥 Self-Sabotage Disguised as You That voice that says, Why bother? You’ll just fail anyway? That’s your subconscious on autopilot, running old tapes from childhood. Psychologists call this learned helplessness. But the same neuroplasticity that built it can break it. 💔Emotional Neglect If your emotional needs were dismissed as a kid, you may have learned to ignore them as an adult. The result: decision-paralysis, indecision, and the nagging feeling that you don’t even know what you want. Reconnecting with those needs is not indulgence — it’s repair. And that repair is necessary if you want to live your life in Full Bloom! If any of this has rung true, fear not, there’s a bunch of science out there that will help us get our true selves BACK: 4. Steps to Take Back Your Identity ✅ Start with I AM: Those two words are manifesto statements. Neuroscience and scripture agree: what follows “I AM” wires your brain and shapes your reality. Choose wisely. ✅ Audit Your “Yes”: For one week, track every time you say yes when you mean no or no when you would really like to say yes. NOTICING AND AWARENESS are always the beginning for a reset! ✅ Practice Boundary Reps: Boundaries are like biceps — the more you flex them, the stronger they get. Start small. “I can’t talk right now” is a full sentence. ✅ Reframe the Past: Instead of wallowing in regret, ask: What skill or strength did I grow from this mess?That turns old pain into current power and allows you to effectively use the Experience File! Your Experience File keeps only the useful info that will help you grow and tosses the nonsense that holds you back. ✅ Upgrade Your Inputs: Who you follow, what you read, the voices you allow in — they’re all writing code into your identity. Curate ruthlessly, be choosy, picky, and allow for the upgrade! ✅ Micro-acts of Self-care: Think BJ Fogg’s “Tiny Habits.” Don’t start with “work out.” Start with sneakers on. Small wins compound, and soon they become who you are. Your identity is WHO you are, which shows up in WHAT you do. You can’t talk yourself into being something; you have to have ACTION behind it. Why This Matters Your authentic self is not lost — she’s buried under everyone else’s demands and outdated stories that no longer serve you. She’s hidden under the constant noise of comparison Science says your brain can change until the day you die. God says you’re here on purpose, for purpose. Put them together, and you’ve got the most powerful identity hack in the world: you can choose because your brain is malleable. You can focus on the right stuff, understanding who you are and WHOSE you are. It’s time to start becoming you again. If this resonated with you, I’ve got a whole Substack post dedicated to How To Create Your Identity, and there’s a ton of actionable stuff in there! My Substack is The Blooming Era, check it out! |
