| There was a time when I thought regret meant I had done something wrong. That it was proof I had missed the moment, made the wrong choice, or somehow fallen behind the life I thought I was supposed to be living. Now I see it differently. Regret isn’t a verdict. It’s data. And when you learn how to read it, it becomes one of the most powerful tools you have for becoming the woman you were always meant to be — not someone new, but someone more aligned with who you actually are. Neuroscience backs this up. The brain doesn’t use reflection to punish you; it uses reflection to update future behavior. Studies on cognitive reappraisal show that when we reinterpret past experiences with curiosity instead of shame, the prefrontal cortex helps calm the emotional charge from the amygdala. In plain English? You stop reliving the past and start learning from it. So if I were 50 again, this is how I would use regret — not as a weight, but as a compass. Step 1: Stop Treating Regret Like a Personal Failure Regret is often just awareness arriving late. When you know more, you see more clearly. That doesn’t mean you failed; it means you evolved. Psychologists call this adaptive reflection — the ability to revisit the past without getting stuck there. Instead of asking, “Why didn’t I know better?” try asking, “What is this showing me now?” Step 2: Separate the Lesson from the Shame The brain loves to fuse emotion and memory together, but they aren’t the same thing. The lesson is useful. The shame is not. When women in midlife begin releasing the emotional charge around old decisions, they often report higher resilience and a greater sense of agency. The moment you remove the shame, the wisdom becomes usable. Step 3: Turn Regret into Direction, Not Rumination Rumination keeps you spinning; direction moves you forward. Research on goal-directed behavior shows that people who reinterpret past missteps as guidance are more likely to take meaningful action. Instead of thinking, “I wish I had done this differently,” shift to, “What would I choose now, knowing what I know?” Step 4: Rewrite the Story Your Nervous System Is Carrying By midlife, many of us are operating from old narratives: push harder, do more, prove yourself. Regret often surfaces when those narratives stop working. That discomfort isn’t a breakdown — it’s a signal that your nervous system is ready for a new operating system. When you begin choosing rest, boundaries, or clarity instead of exhaustion, your body registers safety instead of survival mode. Step 5: Become the Woman You Needed Back Then This is the part no one talks about. The goal isn’t to go back and fix anything. The goal is to become the version of you who would have made different choices — and let her lead from here forward. When you do that, regret stops being a backward glance and starts becoming a foundation. Maybe this is the real shift that happens as we get older. We stop trying to erase the past and start integrating it. We stop striving to become someone else and begin living from a deeper, steadier place — one built from experience instead of perfection. If I were 50 again, I wouldn’t try to outrun regret. I would listen to it, translate it, and let it guide me toward a life that feels more honest, more spacious, and far more my own. And maybe that’s what this season is really about — not fixing what was, but choosing what comes next with open eyes and a quieter kind of confidence. If this resonates with you, you’ll recognize the heartbeat of my new book, If I Were 50 Again. It’s not about looking backward with sadness — it’s about using everything you’ve lived through as fuel for the years ahead. You can find it through the website in my bio, and I hope it meets you exactly where you are right now. Get the book here |
